A plague, a plague upon Mrs N !

I haven’t mentioned Mrs N before. Now I am. She is driving me Crrazzzy; let me explain. Mrs N is a fellow tennis mum who has identical teenage twin sons who are exceptional at tennis and often coach the Young Masters. Mrs N likes to flaunt her handsome sons with their lithe figures and long legs at me. She is an evil, evil woman; almost as wicked as Mrs A! (But that’s just not possible.) Now, Mrs N is even more enthuasstic about tennis than Mrs T, which on the one hand is very good, and on the other hand means she NEVER stops emailing me about the subject. Now as Mrs T is editor of the tennis club newsletter Mrs N emails her almost daily with article upon article until Mrs T, overwhelmed by work and at the point of a nervous breakdown sent Mrs N this email (edited for politeness);

“Mrs N…...no, no, no more!! Mrs T will hang herself! Do you want to be responsible for the death of a mad middle aged woman?????? (Dishonest answers accepted.)

To which Mrs N responded;

“Oh Mrs T!!!!! How slack of you. Do moan out loud about the amount of info that you have been requested to include in the next newsletter, because it will support my request to have it published at more frequent intervals. And if you don’t, I will make sure that even more stuff comes your way for the next one!”

Now if that wasn’t bad enough this morning at 6.00am I find two more emails from Mrs N – one more stuff about tennis and A TAG. Where does Mrs N think I get all the time to do this stuff? !! Anyhow, just because it’s Mrs N, I’ve done it anyway… and now Mrs N ...Can the Masters have a free lesson with the twins as a reward for the poor, poor overworked Mrs T……..

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6. 00 am. I don’t sleep much. I’d like to sleep more but my brain’s usually tick, ticking over. Either that or the cat is attacking me, my bladder has failed (again) or Mr T is snoring so loud the walls are reverberating. I like the peace of the early morning; I often wake as soon as the birds begin to sing. This morning, feeling refreshed, I opened up my PC in solitude…. and saw Mrs N’s emails ..suddenly the room became dark and foreboding…

2. Diamonds or pearls? Most definitely diamonds! One has to be over 65 to wear pearls says Mrs T,( taking her pearls off and putting them in the drawer.)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Indiana Jones; bit of a disappointment folks. Harrison Ford was looking kinda… baggy. And I’m not just talking about his trouseurs.

4. What is your favourite TV show? Top Gear; it’s silly; I like it.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? It varies; I’m no good at being consistent but at the moment I’m having a run on muesli bars. Wow, that sounds healthy! Shame about the buttery croissant after eh?

6. What is your middle name? Andrea. My mother and father went really wild choosing this name! All the other family names are sooo boring; except for my elder brother’s confirmation name which is BEDE. Yeah, and when you stop laughing you can send him a sympathy card ... or some matching earrings.

7. What food do you dislike? Chick peas. They taste too dry. My friend, a veggie, made some chick pea fritters at college and everyone left them except Mrs T who felt she should eat them because she knows how it hurts when people turn their nose up when you made a special effort…. A big tear runs down Mrs T’s cheek. Boo Hoo.

8. What are your favourite CDs at moment? This Love, a compilation album of unsurprisingly…love songs. Jamiroquai; High Times (funky stuff to dance to). Rod Stewart; Great American Songbook. I play them on my lap top sometimes, but at the moment I’m waiting for the builders to repair the damage from my last hip hop dancing around my PC session. (Placed strategically in the centre of the room like handbags at a disco.)

9. What kind of car do you drive? Everyone knows already! A deadly one armed with submachine guns, missile launchers, laser tracking, flame throwers and small dangerous children; it’s unique. And it’s available free with a delusional mind! Yippee!

10. Favourite sandwich? Tuna and salad with seeded brown bread. Yummy. Yummy.

11. What characteristic do you despise in others? Hmm, tricky…. Lack of compassion, selfishness and frugality where there’s no need for it. I like generosity in people and that need not necessarily be with money.

12. Favourite item of clothing? My supersize, hold everything in, fully enforced, nucleur protected, lycra granny knickers; what absolute life savers! Bridget Jones’ knickers are for mere novices.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Egypt; I’d love to see the pyramids; all that history in one place! What fun it would be to be locked inside and see if you could find your way out before you suffocate! I love the thrill of a real challenge! I’d also like to do a tour of The Western Front; providing I don’t step on an unexploded bomb which would kinda ruin it……

14. Favourite brand of clothing? I’m really not that fashion conscious so I’m not bothered about brands. Even if I was fabulously rich I don’t think I would waste much on Designer Labels; there are too many people starving in this world to warrant spending thousands on dresses. I like value for money, I suppose.

15. Where would you retire to? I was brought up the sea, so I’d like to go back to somewhere coastal; I love the sound of crashing waves, the brisk air and salt lingering on the breeze.

16. What was your most memorable birthday? 1987. It was the day The Herald of Free Enterprise sank, killing 193 passengers and crew; it didn’t seem right to celebrate when so many people had died.

17. Favourite sport to watch? Tennis; it’s a superb game of mental and physical agility; pity about those baggy shorts though; gals my age need something to lighten our lives. I love Cricket too because I spent a lot of my youth watching it on lazy Sunday afternoons with my father. It’s a great relaxing sport as an observer and is quintessentially English.

18. Furthest place you are sending this? I don’t know; all around the world!

19. Person you expect to send/post it back first? No idea. Surprise me.

20. Favourite Food? Stupid question; chocolate!

21. When is your birthday? 6th March; somebody remind Mr T next year!

22. Are you a morning person or a night person? Both. But those Duracell batteries are rather expensive you know.

23. Shoe Size? 5 give or take a foot.

24. Pets? 3 black cats; I’m actually a witch only I don’t use a broomstick.(Out of principle) I’ve got a jet pack; so much easier for getting around.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Um… Last Friday I bought a digital skipping rope! I burnt off 47 calories in 5 minutes. Another 6 years and maybe I’ll be the size I used to be. Alternatively, I might have died from a heart attack.(I'm guessing that's the more likely of the two options.)

26. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress, thespian or luvvie; call it what you will. No one hams it up like Mrs T. I'm planning my own funeral...where I jump out of the coffin and say "Fooled You!"

27. How are you today? Suffering from chocolate withdrawal symptoms Ahhhhh… I’ve had none since the acquisition of the skipping rope… but suddenly now I’m feeling kinda peckish…. Damn you Mrs N for reminding me! I fear the skipping rope may suffer a sudden and unexpected encounter with a sharp knife.

28. What is your favourite candy? Need I say? Really you should know by now! (I should point out that "candy" is not an expression commonly used in the UK, we tend to say " sweets" or "chocolate." " "Candy" is something we would normally reserve for small babies in order to keep them quiet; ie George Bush.)

29. What is your favourite flower? Oh, so many beautiful flowers in this world…I’ll have to settle for a rose, so pure, fragrant and delicate just like Mrs T. (Ho hum) It also has very sharp thorns.

30. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The day I’m thin again! It’s possible it could be in year 2030... or even sooner when those Magic Glasses arrive. I'm also looking forward to the day Baby Sy is born so I can email Master Sy and gloatingly say "Ha, ha, no more sleep for you matey boy and good luck with the broccoli puree!"

31. What is your favourite thing about yourself, not physical? I can laugh at myself. So do others.. but it's not my fault my head got stuck in the door.

32. If you could do it all over again - what would you be when you grew up? Probably a doctor. I have had too many bad experiences with sick relatives; I’d rather trust my own judgement. And also I like those stethoscopes; I've got one of those kiddy play sets and I just love playing Doctors and Nurses with it.

33. What are you listening to right now? Silence is beautiful. But I’d rather listen to the rustle of sweet wrappers.

34 What was the last thing you ate? A solitary grape. Damn!

35 Do you wish on stars? No. Whilst I believe in fate to a certain degree, I don’t believe in making wishes. You can make your own future if you want to but that’s easier said than done. I once had a mirror crack in front of me – if I believed in that sort of bad luck I could have ended up being a bit nutty which obviously I’m not. I’m completely sane.

36. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Green; the colour of nature; it’s relaxing. Brown would be useful though, just for those occasional doodles of truffle. Blue is useful too as it covers up the scratches on the car rather nicely.

37. How is the weather right now? Mrs T Looks out of window…pretty good! Still, I bet I can avoid putting that washing out anyway…… I love the sound of that tumble dryer…so therapeutic…

38. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Mrs B (Ford focus mum); Mrs T had accidentally picked up Mrs B’s son’s book bag last night and took it home with her. A bit like on Monday when she took Mrs DB’s tracksuit top.( Did I tell you I’ve got kleptomaniac tendencies?) I promised to return it the next day when Mrs DB would come specifically to the tennis club to collect it. However, I forgot it. Oh dear! Mrs DB looked most perturbed - so Mrs T cheered her up by reminding her that Mrs T had mistaken Mrs DB’s top for Master Jacob's top (who is only 9 ) - which is clearly an UNJUST situation as last time someone picked up Mrs T’s tracksuit top they’d thought it was a circus tent.

39. Favourite soft drink? I like variety so I don’t really have a favourite but on a hot summer’s day I do like a cold lager and lime in a chilled glass. Wait a minute that’s not a soft drink…. Elderflower cordial is nice but I rarely drink ii. Oh, I also like a J20 Apple and Mango.

40. Favourite restaurant? The Lavang. It’s a fairly local Indian Restaurant, the food and service is great, the head waiter is absolutely gorgeous and what’s more they deserve my support as there’s been some unpleasant behaviour amongst some locals which Mrs T does not approve of. In fact Mrs T is very cross indeed; she is even tempted to get out her custard pie launching MK42.

41. Hair colour? Sexy brunette; it’s the hint of grey that does it. Obviously, being brunette I’ve got a lot of brains- unfortunately they’re located in my bottom.

42. What was your favourite toy as a child? It was probably actually a book rather than a toy;
The Little Princess by Frances Hodgsen Burnett. My grandmother read it to me; they were special times. When she died it held sad but lovely memories for me.

43. Summer or winter? Neither; Autumn. I love the subtle sensations of an autumn evening, the dampness of leaves on the ground, the mustiness in the air, the red and ochre leaves. The melancholy.

44. Hugs or kisses? Hugs generally. But you know there’s moments when a kiss is just the right thing….Mmmmmm... ..( Mrs T quickly hides poster of Pierce as Mr T enters the room.)

45. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate is best but when they're together I’m in ecstasy….

46. Coffee or tea? I like both equally but only if they’re made just as I like them. If I’m out I’ll generally drink coffee as tea is soo easy to get wrong. I particularly dislike tea made by dipping the tea bags in a cup. Oh, how uncouth! I’m a proper English gal; I like it from a pot with a china cup and saucer.

47. Do you want your friends to email/post you back? Hey, only if you want to!

49. What is under your bed? Mr T has gone to work, so it’s safe for Pierce to come out. (His poster obviously)

50. What did you do last night? I spent 2.5 hours at the local farm helping with a party.(Instant headache.) Then I warmed up Spaghetti Bolognese which being in one of my(very) rare efficient moods I had made earlier, put the kids to bed and while Mr T watched The European Cup did a little catching up on my favourite blogs and emails. Not very exciting but I didn’t feel I should let on that I spent the evening with Kevin Costner in the back of a taxi. ’Cos I know you ladies out there would be deadly jealous.

51. What are you afraid of? Americans changing their constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can become president,(although frankly I think it would be very exciting), George Bush getting out his cowboy suit and plastic guns, Gordon Brown changing his name to Gordon White which would be particularly silly, a world chocolate crisis, Marks and Spencers discontinuing their range of high performance granny knickers, Master Sy falling in love with a gerbil, Rocky XV(Heaven help us), Tom Cruise discovering he is not a Christian Scientist but an overpaid actor (the drama would unbearable), James Herbert writing a Mills & Boon, Salmon Rushdie becoming UN ambassador to The Middle East, yet another Cliff Richard Christmas song, making love to Pierce Brosnan and waking up, making love to Kevin Costner and waking up, waking up and discovering I am dead, waking up and discovering I am not dead but in a purgatory where I must work in an empty chocolate factory, being born again as Tom Cruise, being born again as George Bush. tripping over and landing in a pig sty just as Pierce Brosnan asks me to marry him, finding out Mr Intrepid is Danny Devito, Paul Burman writing a book called The Moaning and Whingeing of Jane Turley, Mrs A writing her chocolate recipe book and dedicating to me and telling the world my current weight, forced to become part of a Japanese Kamikaze Squadron, made to appear in a porn movie with Tom Cruise and a packet of butter. And finally… being sensible.

52. Salty or sweet? Although I love choccy on the whole I prefer savour food. Salty chocolate? Hmm… an interesting thought….

53. How many years at your current job? 17 years as Housewife Extraordinaire; I need a pension fund and some drugs. Quickly.

54. Favourite day of the week? Monday when the children go to school and I can hear silence, open up my PC and the world is out there….Quite like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays though when I replenish my chooclate supplies.

55. How many towns have you lived in and name them? Too many to mention! Anyway it not the places it’s the people in them that make a place special. I’d like to live next door to Tom Cruise though. Oh, the endless pleasure…..

56. Do you make friends easily? I’d like to think so but I am also selective about close friendships. Unless they offer me a bar of chocolate and then I’m a friend for life! (Well ..as long it takes to eat the chocolate.)

57. How many people will you send this to? The world! Or maybe just a few bloggers daft enough to have read this far.

58. How many will respond? Who knows! Life’s too short to worry about it!

There you go Mrs N ! Done!

Yes and Bond is coming soon…I’ve just got all this tennis stuff to do…

Copyright Jane Turley 2008