Table Talk; Usha's Tag.

What’s your favourite table?

My favourite table is a roulette table; so much quicker for mixing that batter.

What would you have for your last supper?

A perfect steak, creamed potatoes, freshly cooked vegetable (especially young runner beans.) Followed by hot apple pie and vanilla ice cream. A tot of Benedictine and a piece of dark chocolate. Alternatively, if time was pressing I’d just have Pierce Brosnan (covered in chocolate).

What’s your poison?

Ask Mr T. When he comes out of the coma.

What would be your 3 indredients on a desert island?

I’ve been hoping to crash land on a desert island for some years; a kind of enforced diet at which I couldn’t possibly fail. I reckon I could last 6 months without food so no problems there. It would be best if I had some company though and if a rescue party didn’t arrive I could always resort to cannibalism. So I reckon I’d better take Pierce for starters, Kevin Costner for the main course and ummm…Master Sy for dessert. I’m choosing Master Sy for dessert because he would keep me laughing in between bites and also he tells me he’s a little…por.. …cuddly….so if necessary I could live off him for a further six months.

What would you put in Room 101?

Obviously, all cook books and celebrity chefs. No wait a minute that’s too nice; they should be sautéed and of course drizzled with a little paraffin first. Would it be OK if I chucked in Mr Brown as well? Roasted? Oh yes and probably the entire contents of my pantry which is generally 2 years out of date. (Personally, I think a little mould adds to the flavour but doctor in Casualty keeps telling me otherwise.)

Which book gets you cooking?

The Karma Sutra.

What was your childhood teatime treat?

Penguin biscuits. There were four children in our family and not a lot of cash! These biscuits were a real treat. In those days they came in only red, green and blue wrappers. But there was only ever ONE with the blue wrapper and we always argued over it even though the biscuits were identical underneath! Kids eh?

Oh by the way my younger brother John always won…cos he was little…. You know how the story goes…
…Yeah and come to think of it, he ALWAYS got the cream of the top of the milk too… Now I’m feeling really, really cross…the no good rotter always scheming with his long eyelashes and pretty face…. Humph… the next time I see him I’m gonna give him what for…… yeah and I’m gonna take his blanket away and burn it, tread on his plastic soldiers and throw darts in his teddy bear…. That’ll teach him to usurp his sister!

What was your most memorable meal?

That one meal I did not burn……..back in in 1992.
Although come to think of it my wedding meal was pretty good; all my friends and family. What could be better? And my father (and I know I’m prejudiced) gave the best speech I’ve heard at any wedding. Lord, they can be disastrous can they not? At times like weddings it is great if the speakers have had some experience of public speaking…remember Four Wedding and a Funeral?!

What was your biggest food disaster?

I asked Mr T this question; I thought it was more appropriate. This is what he said nodding his head sagely

“ Well…you could pick anything you’ve cooked over the last 17 years.”

Yeah, thanks Mr T. You should see what I’ve got planned for tonight…..

What’s the worst meal you’ve ever had?

Oh please, please please stop torturing me…. You know it’s one of mine….. let this poor woman be…..

Who is your food villian/hero?

I have no food heroes, except Captain Birdseye and of course Mr Kipling. Mr Gordon Ramsey is obviously the food villain…. But you know there’s something about him I quite like….I think it’s his passion…. Hmm passion in a man is goooood.

Nigella or Delia?

Shoot them both, that’s why I say. Obviously, I’m not talking real guns here; Mrs T doesn’t condone violence unless it's on The School Run where it is an obvious necessity. But what the harm in an egg shooting MK42? Or a custard pie missile launcher?

Vegetarians: genius or madness?

Neither; skinny.

Fast food or fresh food?

Oh, even Mrs T prefers fresh food… in a kind of packaged way…..

Who would you most like to cook for?

George Bush; instant solution to all the world’s problems.

What would you cook to impress a date?

Me. My flame throwing and grilling act is hysterical so I can get pretty hot on a first date!

Make a wish.

Leaving aside my desire for The One Chocolate, I’d kinda like to be there where Walt Disney wakes up from his Cryogenic suspension... just so I could tell him the world is ending the next day.

What’s your dream dinner party line-up?

Oh this is tricky…. Pier…..Ok, Mrs T will be serious for once because this is an interesting question. So excluding friends, bloggers and family here we go;

Scientist; Professor Robert Winston; a brilliant and learned scientific mind.

Naturalist; David Attenborough; with all his seen and done who could not be fascinated.

Historian; Michael Woods; Historian, writer and TV presenter.
First of a generation of historians who have brought history to the masses; anyone who can make old pots exciting has gotta be good. (And in his younger days he looked pretty hot. But that has not affected my choice in anyway. Not at all. Not in the slightest.)

Writer; Richard Curtis. A humorous and yet sensitive man. Writer of Blackadder (Mrs T’s favourite British Comedy Show), Four Wedding and a Funeral and Love Actually. What can I say? A comedy genius.

Actor; from the acting profession it was a toss up between Tom Hanks and Clint Eastwood. Tom Hanks is probably the better actor but on balance I’d have to go with Clint because of his age and experience. (Also he pulls a trigger pretty well.) Michael Caine is old favourite too. (Who could forget him in Zulu? One of my favourite films.) But Clint is more reclusive so to study him close up would be fascinating.

Singer/songwriter; Midge Ure. Lead singer of the popular 1980’s British band Ultravox, famously remembered for the song Vienna which was kept of the number 1 spot in the UK charts by a very silly tune Shaddup You Face. Midge is actually a very talented singer/ songwriter and accomplished musician. Alongside Bob Geldof he penned Do they know it’s Christmas? (Although I’m sure he would admit it’s not one of his best) and organised Live Aid. (NB He also has a yummy soft Scot’s accent.)

Politician; Tony Benn. I haven’t always agreed with his political viewpoint but there’s no doubt he is extremely intelligent, caring and sensitive - unlike some politicians he does not seem to have been corrupted by power. As I get older I’ve appreciated him more. He grows on you..."If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people."

Comedian; George Bush? OK, this is a tricky one for me as I love comedy but I think I’m going to have to go with Paul Merton for being consistently funny, naturally quick witted and with superb comic timing. Principally, he is famous in the UK for the topical news quiz Have I got news for you?

All round Good Egg; Stephen Fry; writer, actor, raconteur and humorist. This man is so learned and well read it is just untrue. I’m sure just dining with Mr Fry alone would be enough for anyone; a feast of stimulation. Of course he’s written many books, performed in plays, television and films and presented many television show. He is versatile, colourful and always thoroughly entertaining and intellectually stimulating but he also obviously has a much deeper and thoughtful side. I’ve observed the course of his career for many years, the highs and the lows (He also a manic depressive) and it’s been fascinating. I suppose I’ll always remember him best for his outrageous comic performances in Blackadder, alongside Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie. If any of you recall his performance as the Duke of Wellington let me tell you I modeled my whole parenting concept on his ideology for treatment of his troops “Shout, shout and shout again!” (Let me tell you also as a parenting concept it works very well indeed…although a little tough on the vocal chords.)

And since I'm learning new tricks all the time here's the clip from Blackadder featuring Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie and of course Mr Rubberface himself, Rowan Atkinson. I hope you enjoy it!





Ok that combination of men pretty well satisfies my intellectual curiosity but you know a gal’s gotta have some flirtable material. You know what I mean? So I guess I’d choose Jeremy Clarkson, columnist, writer, TV presenter and lover of fast cars. What can I say? I just luvvvv him! Ok, physically he’s past his best (a little paunchy these days) but he is so funny, sharp and horrendously politically incorrect. I reckon we’d get on like a house on fire! (Well, I’d be on fire but I expect he’d kind of smolder like a burnt out car.) Annoyingly he actually has a distant association with Mrs S but they are not in contact now which makes Mrs T’s blood boil with fury. All Mrs S needs to do is send him a Christmas card and reestablish contact and then Mrs T is in there!( Maybe it’s something to do with that mocking Christmas card Mrs sent Mrs S purporting to be from Tom Cruise last year. You know I thought the mock up of Tom, Katie and baby as Jesus, Mary and Joseph was kinda funny. Maybe Mrs S was a little annoyed with me…..)

Who else? Oooh … Ray Mears; ex SAS, survival specialist, writer and TV presenter. Again I find him attractive but in an entirely different way to Jeremy Clarkson. Like Mr Clarkson he’s not exactly George Clooney but nevertheless he has a most appealing, natural manner. He has a sense of inner calm which comes to only those who know themselves well; maybe it’s because he’s spent a lot of time alone with his thoughts. A man in touch with himself and with nature is a very intriguing and I suppose I’m kinda jealous. On a more physical level, naturally I wouldn’t mind being stuck in The Outback with him because frankly any man who can light a fire without matches really impresses me! Lord, when he rubs those sticks together it drives me crrrazzy!! In fact Mr & Mrs S and Mr & Mrs T went to see him give a presentation which was fascinating. Mr T was deeply worried beforehand though as Mrs T had planned to tell Mr Mears in the Q&A session that she knew of an unexplored bush that perhaps he would like to explore...…. Needless to say Mrs T was forced to drive, avoid alcohol and duly strapped in her chair under pain of death. (Hmm, Mr T can be a real spoil sport at times; I think Mr Mears would have enjoyed giving the answer.) Ray has made many documentaries on survival but one of the ones I've enjoyed most was his eulogy about The Lord of the Rings on The Big Read, a national search for Britain's most popular book of all time. (Lord of the Rings won.)

Well, on examining my list I realised it is sadly lacking in women. Of course who wouldn’t be intrigued if it was possible to dine with Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and find out the truth of their deaths? Marie Curie would also be interesting figure too; a pioneer for women scientists and perhaps Emily Pankhurst for her contribution to the liberation of women. But I’ve deliberately avoided historical figures; there are just too many secrets of the past to discover so I’ve stuck with contemporaries. So of course there’s the other Mrs T, Mrs Thatcher
but I guess I know what she would say and she’d probably end up giving everyone a lecture! Then, I suppose there’s Hilary Clinton (Who wouldn’t like to be a fly on her wall?!) and a host of other notable woman. But at the end day I think I’d choose another woman who I think would really enjoy the conversation and is also funny, versatile and always entertaining and comes across as a decent and honest person and that women is the actress Julie Walters.

So that’s it then. Oh and maybe a mysterious stranger just for the added thrill!

So there you go! Mrs T thought’s… thanks for the fun Usha! I tag Master Sy and Mr Intrepid because there both obsessed with food; Master Sy in a kinda Fast Food way and Mr Intrepid in Haute Cuisine kinda way. Yeah, Mr I keeps telling me he likes a fruity little number but Lord I reckon he’d look pretty silly covered in dress made of banana skins and a pineapple on his head. Master Sy would of course look supreme in a new Batman outfit made of Macdonald’s wrappers……


Copyright Jane Turley 2008