Somebody tell George to stay inside!

Oh blimey, George Michael has been at it again! As if it wasn’t bad enough being caught red handed (excuse the pun) in a public toilet in LA back in 1998 he’s now just be caught with crack cocaine in the loos on Hampstead Heath!

I find it strange that someone as handsome, rich and as supremely talented as George feels the need to expose himself this way. Maybe its part of his creative process, maybe he’s lonely, maybe with his fame he doesn’t trust those who surround him and seeks solace in sex and drugs. Who knows. The reasoning is his and his alone. I guess he’s had some tumultuous times in his life that perhaps money and fame have only exacerbated. I’d rather like to see him reach that stage in life where he is at peace with himself and sooner rather than later.

But hey, George is one talented singer/songwriter and when I listen to his music all I hear and feel is someone who is multifaceted, who feels deeply, who is a musical poet. His music has the ability to make me want to get up and groove when I hear a song like Club Tropicana and then marvel at his sensitivity with a song like Careless Whispers. Boy is he one hell of an entertainer!

(Mrs A is now turning up Handel’s Water Music to full volume…)

Now I have a little story from way back when Wham were at their height in the 1980s and before his homosexuality was public knowledge. When he was one hot piece of male totty and drooled over by every sane woman. Mmm.. .could he move his hips! What rhythm ladies eh? Oooh I’ve come over all giddy just thinking about it!

Anyway, one day one of Mr T’s female colleagues, who was a bit of a tough cookie and working in high pressure job, pulls in at a petrol station with her girlfriend in the passenger seat. She fills up and the two of them get some goodies in the shop and head for the checkout. Well, guess who is there and paying for his petrol… yep…..

George Michael

Now the young lady is flabbergasted, her mouth falls open , her cheeks flush red. George sees her and being polite is waiting for her to say something…..

And what does she say? Have a guess? Does she say;

A) Oh George, I’m your no 1 fan. Can I have your autograph please?

B) I love, I love I love you! Take me to bed and marry me!

C) Here are my knickers.

D) Can I pay for your petrol?

Nope, she says none of these. Miss Hotshot is completely tongue tied and all she can splurt out is;

“I’m from Newcastle and me mate’s from Scunthorpe.”

Wow!! What an opening line…. I bet George was really impressed! Somehow I don’t think she got lucky that night…..….

Anyway, that brings me round to the idea that if I were to ever meet the lovely Pierce I should be prepared with my opening line to hook him. Now here’s a few of my suggestions;

1. That’s a lovely Pension Card you’ve got there Pierce, can I help you across the road?

2. My name’s Turley, Jane Turley. I’m an expert with guns; would you like me to show you?

3. I’m Pussy Turley. Come and fly with me…

4. Just call me Honey. I have a lovely pair of shells……..

5. Pierce, Pierce, take me, take me! I’m yours!

6. Here are my knickers.

7. Here is my bra and my knickers

8. I practice yoga. Can I demonstrate for you?


9. Are those X-ray specs Mr Brosnan? (Embarrassed giggles)

10. So we meet at last Mr Bond…..

11. I hear you have a golden gun ….



12. Oh, I’m so sorry my knickers seem to have fallen off…..

13. Here’s my front door key….

14. Here’s my back door key

15. Here’s my divorce papers

16. You are so much BIGGER in real life……

What d’you reckon? Any more ideas out there? (And don't tell me to stay inside.)

Copyright Jane Turley2008

Ps.. It's 100 years since Ian Fleming was born; if you are a Bond fan you can check out this great informative site by The Times Online