Master Benedict: good looking 8 year old, supremely fit and athletic (inherited from mother) budding comedian, impressionist and generally annoying little chap. Likes his mother to check his “cleanliness” so that he claim 50p a time much to his mother’s general displeasure.
Master Jacob: good looking 10 year old, supremely fit and athletic, (inherited from mother ) shy, sensitive little fellow. Likes to whop the pants of his tennis opponents to the delight and general bragging of his mother so that he can claim a weeks’ worth of abstinence from his mother’s cooking.
Mrs T: Youthful looking 29 year old. (Once) supremely fit and athletic, now letting it all hang out. Amusingly stupid with a penchant for Pierce Brosnan, chocolate and hats. Prone to delusions of grandeur, youth, prescription pralines and writing a best selling book titled “Misery is housework but happiness is being trapped by an obsessed (young male) fan.”
Scene; Mrs T is quietly sipping a glass of rose, feeling replete after roast beef and Yorkshire pudding and getting ready to enjoy an evening of pleasant blogging. Master Ben and Master Jacob are debating what they should do before Top Gear comes on the telly at 8pm.
Master Ben: (Deadpan delivery) I want a laptop.
Mrs T: (General spluttering, and coughing noises)Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!!
Master Ben: (Evil smirk) I want my own laptop.
Mrs T: (Face contorting into weird positions aka Priscilla Presley) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!! You’ve got loads of stuff already! You can use the computer upstairs to play on, or the Xbox or the Wii……
Master Ben: (Loud and demanding) But I WANT my own laptop!
Mrs T: (Going red in face and veins on forehead bulging) When I was your age, I didn’t have any of the things you had! We had to make our own entertainment! I didn’t have a computer, a phone, a colour TV; why, we didn’t even have a record player until I was………
Master Jacob; (Abruptly and loudly interrupting the proceedings) WHAT'S A RECORD PLAYER?
Mrs T; (Swigs down rest of rose, refills glass, climbs wearily upstairs using a crutch for support and glasses to magnify the steps, switches on PC, initiates Google search “ Ways to feel younger….”
Here’s a song from my youth by Rolf Harris about Two Little Boys.
And even though my boys can be right pains in the derriere and keep reminding me I’m getting old, I hope that they never, ever have to go to war.
Copyright Jane Turley 2009
Well, I hope so too.
ReplyDeleteMrs. T, do you have an extra record player needle??? Mine is broken.
Unfortunately, I don't Speedy. Otherwise you would be most welcome to have one. It looks like with a bit of Googling you'll be able to find one. Gonna get out those old 45s and give 'em a spin eh?!
ReplyDeletePs..are you really only 42?( Not that you don't look youthful!) And a grandfather already? Cos that makes me feel really, really old!
I can any age you like Jane!!
ReplyDeleteActually I am 97, and from space.
Ah ha! I thought you might be from another world the amount of times strange alien creatures appear on your site. So I guess we'd better talk the lingo;
ReplyDeleteNe ne nan nan nu nu, nu nu wibbly wobbly sausages ping pong Obama.
(Translates as " Man did you guys elect that Obama dude; you did the biz!"
97 is way too old though let's make it comparable to mine; 29.
How about I am 37ish, and we fly around in my foil box??
ReplyDeleteme beee ba bee sooki mooki beeki baki ... de de deeeee beepen mooga moooga
I assume that's the one that the chicken nuggets came in? If so, count me in!
ReplyDeleteNah, nah, tickly wickly pee pee rolly polly shooby doo doo doo.
(There's a song in that somewhere!)
kids grow just in a blink. exactly happen to my niece :)
ReplyDeletehope your boys will make you smile always :)
I hope so too Mrs. T. I wouldn't know how I would react if someone I knew had to go to war... it would be just too hard.
ReplyDeleteHi Faisal,
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do too - the little no good rotters!:)
Thanks for dropping by.
Rozella,
Yep, it's a horrifying thought.
This is a sweet little song with a happy ending but in a lot of cases...the ending just isn't that way....
I've three sons... guess I've never got over Saving Private Ryan.
I havent had a record player since I was...ohh...lets just say many many years ago in a figure more than 15. So for some completely inexplicable reason, an ex bought me a record for Christmas a good few years ago. I wonder what it sounds like!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... a curious present for an Ex... what was the record Master Sy? I have donned my investigative hat... I feel there is a story in this somewhere.....
ReplyDeleteSorry...I should clarify. I was still with it at the time when it bought me the present...so it knew I didnt have a record player because it lived with me. It was Megadeth - Hangar 18. Youtube it...very good song. OK, so you will hate it. But I like it!
ReplyDeleteA strange "it" indeed Master Sy!Most curious behaviour, perhaps "it" secretly wanted a record player? And what did you say when the gift arrived? Or was that the beginning of the end?!
ReplyDeleteAnd how did you reciprocate? With an empty jewellery box perhaps?
I will You Tube Megadeth, just as soon as I have located my earmuffs and tranquilisers.
Yup, she/it was a very strange one indeed. A real "Why on earth..." moment in my history.
ReplyDeleteI reciprocated with a look of "ummm...OK...here is an 8 track tape for you with my favourite songs on. What do you mean you cant play it?"
You dont need earmuffs...go on...have a listen!
When I saw the title of this post I was desperately hoping you weren't going to head down the Rolf Harris track, Mrs T. What next? Val Doonican? Post me your earmuffs and tranquillisers please... on second thoughts, I don't think I'll need the tranquillisers if I don't get the earmuffs.
ReplyDeleteOOo Val Doonican! Why not? I believe I have some suitable attire to wear when I'm singing along! Every week I have 3/4 songs going around my head and then suddenly something else pops out at the last minute...
ReplyDeleteAw come on PB, who doesn't like Rolf? It may not come as a surprise but I have some earmuffs too- red ones -the penchant for headware again! (Strictly for Christmas though!)
Something completely different next week!
Why, am I the only one that found this blog post the funniest of the year so far??? When your book is finished I want a piece of the action - agent \ publishing consultant. If you're going to go global with this I might as well get in early like any good businessman. 95\5% sound okay by you?
ReplyDeleteAh Gary, you are such a flatterer! Well I reckon you'd be a pretty good publicist, so you can have that job... now what can you do about getting my face on some fish and chip wrappers?!
ReplyDeleteThe unfortunate thing is virtually everything I write is....true! Well apart from the fantastical bits....
Okay, agreed, apart from being a little too smooth at times, Rolf does have a way about him. He got himself in big trouble here recently, but managed to apologise his way handsomely out of it again, and I do enjoy Star Portraits.
ReplyDeleteBut hold on, Jane, by my reckoning you would have only been a few years old when Two Little Boys hit 'Top of the Pops'. You haven't been listening to Terry Wogan's 'Golden Oldies' too, have you? Although that's probably something you shouldn't admit here.
Hey what happened to my comment _ I am pretty positive I wrote something very beautiful, poignant and lovely here. And it never made it to the comments section. Booooohooo.
ReplyDeleteI can't remember those exact words now but I was saying something about no little boy ever having to go to war
and hopefully someday Master Jacob's son and his generation will ask "What is War?"
PB,
ReplyDeleteSo what did Rolfie get up to?! A little bit of politically incorrect commentary?! Or did he wear a Val Doonican jumper?
Who doesn't enjoy Terry? I'm not ashamed to admit to like him! He's the master of subtle wit and his commentary on The Eurovision Song Contest is the only reason to watch the whole miserable saga....'course being a well hot trendy rappin' kind of mum I'm also doing the get down in der funky groove stuff too.....
Well I don't know what happened there Usha - nothing came through. Ah, the intricacies of this technological stuff with all the buttons and wires and thingy me jigs....
ReplyDeleteWell that is a nice thought Usha. It would be wonderful to think that man can advance enough (mentally) to reach a stage where war was incompatiable with human idealogy. Alas, that won't be in our life time....and maybe never. Sigh. We can but hope and pray.
Oh yes, and teach our children it is a BAD thing.
ReplyDelete