A Formal Complaint about.... Socks

Folks, you know I'm a good natured woman, who hardly ever says anything out of turn or drops a verbal clanger, so I hope you won't mind if today if I use a word that you rarely hear uttered out of my sweet lips because I want to talk about socks. Yes, socks.

Look, what is it with these little f*****s ?

Where do they go? I swear to God they have a mind of their own! One minute I have a nice pair of cosy socks to keep my tootsies warm and the next minute they've disappeared into oblivion! Yep, I can search under the beds, in the linen baskets and drawers, in every nook and cranny are the little f*****s cannot be found anywhere! I am always, always, left with a huge pile of odd socks. It is soooooo unfair.

Strangely enough, it's not even just the old socks that go missing. I can buy a brand new pack, heave a huge sigh of relief that I've got socks for at least the next 3 days, but by the time of the next spin cycle I can guarantee that at least one sock has vanished.

Where do they all go?

I just can't figure it out. Is there a magical Pied Piper figure who bewitches all the socks that have been left lying around? Do they rise up at the sound of his sweet music, dance in unison along the hallway and slip out the letter box? Do they gather at secret rallies where they demand freedom from their cheesy owners?

I dunno..........

Maybe socks actually have little feet of their own like slugs? Maybe they just get sick of being worn all day and just leg it? Perhaps they're digging their way out under the floor boards? Maybe when I replace the carpets I'll find a pile of socks that have suffocated on some desperate suicidal mission......

You know Disney could make a movie out of socks. Forget Buzz Lightyear, you could have Cheesy Lightfoot coming to the rescue of a band of stricken left footed socks who have been separated from their right footed counterparts by a wicked housewife who pegs them to the washing line just for fun of it.....

Or 101 Socks - the story of 101 innocent white (with a few grey stains) socks stolen by the wicked Cruella Denier, a hosiery tycoon, who wants to rid the world of socks and at the same time as making a unique and wonderful coat......

Or The Lady and The Sock... a simple love story where a middle aged, slightly disturbed woman, loses one of her beloved bedsocks. As she goes in search of her beloved sock she gets lost in the city where she meets a devilishly attractive cheap nylon sock from Primark.....

Or The Jungle Sock - a small boy finds a good use for some old red socks. (Well how else did he make those pants??)

Yep, you may have gathered that socks and I just don't get along which is why I have a huge pile of odd socks in my house. And I mean huge. I might as well admit it (again)....as a housewife I am pathetic. Miserably pathetic. I just wasn't born to be a housewife. I was born to do other stuff. Ummm.... I'm not exactly sure what kind of other stuff ......but you know what I mean..... Maybe a chocolate tester who lives in an enchanted castle where everything is magically cleaned? And there's a prince with a huge load? Of gold?

Anyway I'm not looking for pity. I know my life is one big pile of holey socks but you know I try my best to be upbeat about things..... so I thought I'd give all you folks out there, who may have the same problem, a few tips on what to do with with your odd socks.

1. Okay -Hubby's odd black socks are ideal for those dreaded dressing up days. Take two of the offending articles, tie them together and stick 'em on your child's head. Paint their nose black and you instantly have a Goofy costume.


Don't be disappointed if you only have odd white sports socks....with the same technique they can look like Deputy Dawg.

Continuing on the same theme, if you've been invited to a fancy dress party and your tired of going as a Roman centurion or a nun take 2 coat hangers bend them in half and shove 'em up two odd grey socks and strap them to your head. Then take a cotton wool ball and stick it to your bottom. For the finishing touch, shove a carrot in your mouth and you'll look like this;



2. Now I know how charitable you ladies out there are but, like me, you may not be quite so good at knitting jumpers for the needy. So why not just sew all the odd socks together and make a patchwork quilt?

3. Put on a glove puppet show for charity. Keep your theme topical. With the UK general election coming up I'll be giving my puppet show a political theme... a black sock for Barack Obama, a brown sock for Mr Brown (Labour), a grey sock for David Cameron (Tory), a white sock for Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrat) and, of course, a pink sock for Peter Mandelson. If I find one of Master Sam's "special" socks which has been festering in his room for about 2 years and is now particularly ripe I'll be using that for Mr Blair.

4. Gather all the odd socks together, sew them end to end and you have a stylish Dr Who scarf. Fabulous. If you start calling your car "The Tardis" as well I guarantee you will not be asked for any childcare favours.

5. Put them on your hands and do the polishing with them. Pretty good for mirrors or silverware.
Look, I had to give one sensible tip! Otherwise folks would think I'm completely stupid! I know, I know, you don't come to this site for cleaning tips but today's that rare occasion when I want to share part of my world with you.

(Ho hum. Believe that tip and you'll believe anything.)