Bad Sex and Tony Blair; Are You Surprised?

"That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me....On that night of 12 May 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct..."

Oh dear God, isn't that quote hideous in every conceivable way! Excuse me while I stick my fingers down my throat!

Crikey, isn't it enough that Tony Blair screwed up the UK, help to start an illegal war and indoctrinated us with his mantra of political correctness and now we have to be exposed to this excruciating excerpt from his love life. Ugh! I just don't want to read about him and Cherie doing "it"!  

And somebody fire his editor at Hutchinson. Really, did he seriously think the general public really wanted to read that drivel?

No we did not!

And what about that bland title? Blimey, it's so boring. I could think up a hundred more interesting titles than a mere A Journey . Hmm....Let's have a bash by drawing on some famous novels....

1.  Lord of the Lies, (Simple and effective....)
2.  National Buffoon; (How Tony quit horse racing to become a comic genius)
3. The Wizard of Spin; (How Tony confused a generation with a spinning top and a load of verbal garbage.)
4. What Tony Did Next; (No one really knows but he filed a lot of expense claims.)
5. Tony and the Giant Prescott (Self explanatory really.)
6 . A Christmas Turkey (Tony draws on Dickens as inspiration for a down to earth, warts and all autobiography.)
7. The Curious Incident of Tony in the Commons Bar ( Ssshhhhhh....)
8.  The Little Hitler on the Front Bench (Oh well, I guess it is still more interesting than being stuck on a prairie.)
9.  How to Lose Friends with Verbal Flatulence (Tony tries to imitate Dale Carnegie but doesn't quite pull it off.)
10 The PM, the Witch and her Wardrobe (The real truth about Tony and Cherie.)
11. Tony, Cherie and the Chamber of Horrors (Even more real truths about Tony and Cherie)
12. Pride and Prejudice II (Co-written with Peter Mandelson)
13. Incense and Insensitivity ( The trials and tribulations of Tony, Cherie and a Personal Guru.)
14.Great Fabrications (Dickens influence again.)
15 Love in the Time of Blair (Sorry - had to get that one in!)
16. The Death of David Kelly and other Stories (Oh dear now we're getting serious....)
17. To the Penthouse. (Via 10 Downing Street...)
18. Tony's Adventures in Wonderland. (Need I say more?)
19. The Prime Minister's Guide to the Galaxy ( Tony's theory on how he took over the world. Fictionalized obviously)
20. As I Lay Lying (Ha!)

...and of course A Series of Unfortunate Events..... and maybe lastly All Quiet on the Opposition Front....

Hm that was just too easy. But come on; A Journey? How exciting is that title? says Mrs T yawning and remembering the last time the kids threw up in the back seat of the car.....

Anyway, apparently, Tony was nominated for the Literary Review Bad Sex Award by Cherie. Yep, that's right folks - Cherie nominated him. Now, do you think it was because she thought it was genuinely bad - in which case you would have thought she might have pointed out to him in the editing stages - because she's a barrister so she definitely would have read it before it went to the publisher - or because she and Tony are a little too keen on staying in the public eye? Hmm...let me think on that....

You know I'm actually feeling quite fond of Mills and Boon this morning. Blimey, their books are like a class act in comparison to Tony's sortie into the bedroom. However, to give Tony some credit he has donated the entire advance of  4.6 million for A Journey to The British Legion which will help to fund a project called Battle Back aimed at rehabilitating wounded British armed forces personnel.

There's been some considerable speculation here in the UK about Tony's motivation; whether it is due to a guilty conscience over the war with Iraq or as a sly PR outing which might subtlety benefit him should he ever be prosecuted for pursuing an "illegal" war or perhaps bolstering his reputation in his new working life which now includes a number of highly profitable directorships/advisory roles and a huge income from the after dinner speech circuit. Indeed it's rumoured that since leaving office he may have earned as much as £60 million pounds.

So, clearly, Tony doesn't need the 4.6 million and by donating it he'll also avoid the 50% tax he would have lost as a high income earner and the money will go in entirety to the British Legion. Personally, I'm inclined to believe Tony's decision is a calculated gesture based on a number of reasons, including easing a guilty conscience, but ultimately who cares? The money will go to a good cause and history, not charitable gestures, will be the best judge of Tony's legacy.

I'll probably read Tony's autobiography in due course. A lot has changed in the UK since he came to power that I don't like and now we're reaping the consequences. I'm interested to read his take on things. But do I believe Tony's a bad man? No, essentially I don't. I'm just curious to find out how much he led in the fast lane or indeed whether he was trapped in it.

And, maybe, given what we now know about the situation in Iraq, perhaps Tony might make another gesture to the people of Iraq, should he ever write a sequel.

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Got a good title for Blair's autiobiography? Leave a comment!