My Garden and Elizabethan England.

I am building a boat. It has been raining far too much lately. My back garden which has already been decimated by Master Ben's chickens now looks like a cesspit. It's wallowing in mud. It probably looks like London in Tudor times. The only difference is - instead of me throwing excrement out the window I have chickens on hand to save me the trouble.

It must have been great fun to live in Tudor times. Apart from the cholera, dysentery and the plague. And all those men dressing up as women on stage. No wonder the men wore tights all the time. I think there was a lot of gender confusion going on. To be honest, I'm not even sure if Queen Elizabeth was a woman. For a start she never had any children and she wore those big dresses - and you can hide a lot under one of those dresses. Even a small circus. In fact,  I wouldn't be surprised if Queen Liz employed a dwarf who hid under her skirts and picked the lice out of her petticoats. He might even have played the lute when she was watering the flowers... Hmm. Now that I think about it - I always knew Tom Cruise had a previous existence.

Anyhow, in Tudor times - and I don't want to appear to be rude here but there aren't many ways you can say this - but basically you got to throw your crap out of the upstairs window and no one complained. Imagine what fun that would have been...

Whoa Mistress Bottomley!  I see young Master Pratt making his way up the street in his white breeches. What a pompous fellow he is! Bring me the bucket of shit so that I might pour it over his head. Quickly, quickly Mistress Bottomley here he comes....


Whoa Mistress Bottomley! I see old Mister Scrooge approaching with his hand upon his wallet and his wife tied to his belt. What a miserable, miserly fellow he is! Pass me the bucket of piss so that I might pour it over his head. Quickly, quickly Mistress Bottomley here he comes....


Whoa, Mistress Bottomley! I see that rogue, Knave Rodger, coming up the street. His tights are on fire and his wig is a smouldering. Pass me the bucket of piss, the bucket of shit and the sick bowl so I might put out his fire. Quickly, quickly Mistress Bottomley....


Oh what fun it would have been living in the Tudor times. I would like to have lived back then just so I could have married King Henry and see if I kept my head.

Hmm. Probably not. I'm not sure he would have been used to a women who answered back. Still, you can't have everything. I think I could have kept my mouth shut for a feast of chicken drumsticks and a selection of fine wines on a regular basis.