Not In My Back Garden

Yesterday I pulled up my drive at 5pm. This is quite a busy time of day for me. This is the time when I am either coming in from afternoon tennis, going out to tennis or refilling the Young Masters stomachs in-between tennis. Yesterday it was the refilling the Young Masters' stomachs. So anyway one of my relatives (I hasten to add on my husband's side) turns up to collect some eggs but clearly also has the intention of telling me some very important news.

We are in the kitchen. I am making the obligatory cup of tea that I do on all social occasions. (Unless it's coffee obviously.)

"Have you heard?" says my relative in a flat, monotone voice and a face of deep gravitas.

"Oh yes," I say, thinking she is referring to something else. "Mr T told me several days ago."

"No... have you heard what I found in the back garden?" she says.

This time her face is so serious, her voice so dramatically full of tension that for a moment I am literally stuck for words (which is rare for me as you know) as a variety of almost impossible scenarios flicker through my mind.

My relative waits patiently -clearly the discovery is so impressive that I must guess it. I am now at a total loss at what awesome/gruesome discovery has been made in her garden in Yorkshire.

"A dead body?" I say, thinking that this must be obvious solution to accord this amount of gravity.

"No," replies my relative.

"Dead bodies?" I say, as by now only mass murder is sounding dramatic enough. "You've found dead bodies in the old well?"

"No," says my relative.

There's a long pause whilst I think over what can be more dramatic than dead bodies. For a moment I consider a huge treasure chest of gold coins from the Spanish Armada but then realise that there's not a lot of chance they would have washed up on the top of a hill in deepest Yorkshire.

I stare at my relative. My face must look completely blank as I can't think of anything more dramatic than a dead body.

Unless...

It's the dead body of a famous person. 

Who could it be?

Bob Diamond? (Yeah, I can see that one....I might even have helped out if asked.)

Samantha Brick? (Has quite a nice feel to it somehow.)

Tony Robinson? ( A certain irony to it.)

Or... worst of all...

Katie Holmes. 

Oh Dear God, I think. What if the Scientologists have finally caught up with poor Katie and dispensed with her in my relative's back garden? Who would expect to find Katie in a well in Yorkshire? It wouldn't be the  first place to look...

Anyway, my face is still blank while I am quietly dreaming through my gruesome scenarios. Finally my relative can no longer stand the tension and blurts out her dramatic news:

"I found Japanese knotweed!"

"Japanese knotweed?" I reply, somewhat confused.

"Yes, Japanese knotweed!"

"Not a dead body in the well then?" 

"No. Japanese Knotweed!!!"

So the exciting news is then, Dear Readers, that my relative found some Japanese knotweed. It's a plant by the way. You find it - in lots of places. All over the world. Sometimes even in gardens. Amazing.

Anyway, today I am going to ring the church bells and wind up the old air raid siren. The human race in grave danger. Think Day of the Triffids, War of the Worlds or just Total Apocalyptic Scenario...

And, unfortunately, Bob Diamond, Samantha Brick, Tony Robinson and Katie Holmes are (as far as I'm aware) still alive.

Ugh. How boring is that? Although I am quite pleased for Katie actually. No so fussed about the others obviously.

You know, some days it's a dull news day, especially when you live in the village. And even more so your relative is barking mad. (I'll diplomatically delete that line later.)