Ten words and phrases that really annoy me

1. "Transparent"

Transparent has become increasingly popular over the last few years as one of a range of politically correct words. People who use transparent are usually politicians, business execs who have just been on management courses, members of the Human Resources Dept and civil servants specialising in policy and population control. A typical line from one of these people will read "We need to move forward with clarity, vision and transparency."  You can pretty much guarantee that anyone who uses the word transparent is a total bullshitter.

2. "Human Resources"

Formerly known as the Personnel Department. This is the department which used to deal with people but now deals with the mammal species known as homosapien. Human Resources sounds a lot more efficient but as anyone who has ever worked closely with a HR department will know - it doesn't reduce the length of their tea breaks.

2. "We will have a referendum after the next election"

This is a stock line of all the political parties. They are usually very transparent. In the normal sense of the word.

3. "Fifty Shades of... "

Grey, black, blue, sheds, pink, red, white  and so on and so on......

Yep, I am bored stiff of reading about Fifty Shades of Grey and all the spin-offs - although I fancy cashing in on E L James success like everyone else. However, I'm not sure my title of One Coat of Varnish will have much appeal.

4. "Awesome" and "Totally awesome"

Awesome is awesome in its awfulness. Especially if it is totally awesome. People who use the word awesome are usually under 30 and people who use the phrase totally awesome usually under 21. Neither know the word "Thesaurus."

 ( See my post Stop Feckin' Swearing for ironic use of the word awesome.)

5. Headteacher and Houseperson

If you're a woman why deny it? If you're a man why deny it? Does non gender specific terminology really promote equality? One for debate. In the meantime, I've ordered a particularly bland apron.

6. Diversity.

Another word that is grossly overused. Many of those who use the word diversity actually mean the opposite. In fact, they would probably like is us all to turn into amorphous sexual beings preferably with light brown skins, wearing one trouser leg and a half a skirt. And if you could wear some sort of ethnic hat even better. It must only be worn on Tuesdays though. After half past six.

7. Russell Brand. 

Sorry, I think I may have mentioned this before. However, the words Russell Brand are conclusive proof that humour is subjective. The only time Russell Brand made me laugh is when he resigned from the BBC - and that was unintentional.

8. Fart

A particularly uncouth and unpleasant word used by the male of the homosapien species. As a point of interest Fart was never a word used in my family when I was growing up. A polite and proper young lady  is taught three things regarding expletives of the bowels:

a) A fart should be ignored at all times

b) A fart should be ignored at all times unless the circumstances are exceptional and the owner of the fart is unidentifiable - whereupon it is acceptable to blame the dog.

c) A fart should be ignored at all times unless the circumstances are expectational and the owner is identifiable - whereupon he who has committed the crime should say a polite "excuse me" before leaving the room so the occupants can open the windows without further embarrassment for either party.

9. Mankini 

No further explanation is required. If you want to see a mankini in action watch Borat.

This picture of a mankini (courtesy of Wikipedia) is actually the least offensive I could find. If you add a head (on the neck) and some body hair the stomach soon begins to churn. I am worried that the mankini will soon become regulated non-gender specific beachwear. 

10. Whatever

When used in the slang sense (I don't care what you say) it is probably the most annoying word that has ever existed. Silence would be a better alternative.