Thoughts on Paris Fashion Week

It's Paris fashion week. How jolly exciting. You may remember I reported on London fashion week a couple of years ago when the gentlemen's fashions made me slightly queasy. Well today, like any woman vaguely interested in fashion, I clicked on an article about Paris fashion week at The Daily Mail because, as it happened, I had nothing better to do in between scrubbing the bathroom and taking out the rubbish. I duly perused the photographs with due care and wondered how next season's fashions might influence my wardrobe.

Unfortunately, I decided that no part of The Paris Fashion show would influence me. In fact, I decided I would rather gouge out my eyes.

 (I read too much Shakespeare when I was young.)

 I also decided that the models all looked one of the following:

a) Unhappy. And, to be frank, anyone would look unhappy (sorry to be blunt) wearing the monstrous carbuncles ( I had to edit my first choice of words) that turn up on the Paris catwalks. The fashion industry hasn't got it yet has it? Unhappy people and faces are not inspiring. The only people who are likely to be inspired by the fashion industry are morticians.

b) Almost dead. The models are too skinny, too pale, too unhealthy. I've seen healthier slugs in my back garden. I don't think unhealthy people are that attractive or inspiring - not to look at anyway. And if the expressions of these models are anything to go by I'd rather have a conversation with a landmine.

c) Dead. Yes, I'm afraid the fashion industry's penchant for making young women look like they're laid out on marble is not an attractive one. Personally, I find the dead look pretty dull. I just don't know why these designers just don't go the full hog and design a range of mortuary gowns which, let's face it, could do with a bit of glamour. When I go to the pearly gates I fancy wearing something sensational not a converted sheet or a flannelette nightie.

d) The Living Dead. The Paris Fashion Show is proof that zombies do exist. I thought they only existed in films and literature but I've been proved wrong - they work in the fashion industry. Oh well, I suppose someone's got to do it. Rather them than me. I can't imagine living on bread and water or decaying flesh all year round. Cos you know what? I find wholesome food rather attractive.

You may have thought this was typical representation of a fashion model - but you're wrong. I have it good authority (mine) that this woman was recently excavated from from an Egyptian tomb. So, in all fairness, she looks pretty good after being mummified for 4, 000 years.

Okay, so now I've covered the modelling side of the fashion industry, let's get down to gritty details and discuss the fashion aspect of the latest Paris fashion show. Here's my succinct thoughts on the designs. They were:

a) Hideous.

b) Hideous and dull.

c) Hideous, dull and stupid.

d) Hideous, dull, stupid and overpriced.

However, I would like to say something about the hairstyles and the elongated fringes and the "I've just been caught in a hurricane with my pants down look" - it's great to know that the designers have taken influence from other areas of the arts - I immediately recognised the influence of Dougal of The Magic Roundabout Fame.

A model of Dougal. He normally wears a fringe or a comb-over but this time he's gone for the windswept look. Hairdressing and fashion experts take note: Dougal is hot news. Expect a range of dog collars, jackets and diamond studded leads to hit the market soon.