Hacked Off

Have you ever had a day (or days) when you feel hacked off? Well I am having several. (About two weeks worth actually.) I seem to have a never-ending list of things to do and people and things that annoy me. From broken-down cars, annoying messages and telephone calls, even more annoying schools, frustrating tennis centres, dozy people who reverse into pedestrians, too much washing and ironing, unusual moles, weight gain, injured children, lost tennis matches, sore chicken bottoms....

Shall I go on? It's a pitiful tale. We could all be suicidal by the end of it.

Okay, I won't elaborate further.

Well not much.

Cripes, it's just well I don't live in Africa isn't it? I'd be really fed up then. Hmm...one must try to think positively. There is always someone worse off than yourself.

Think Kim Kardashain's arse, Mrs Turley. It's just huge, isn't it? Yeah, I know people say it's sexy big but they're not fooling me. I have a big arse. I know the truth.

Blimey, I sound like a depressed writer. I am going to self diagnose myself with bi-polar.

Do not email me, text me, phone me or contact me in anyway unless you have good news as this is my current disposition which is made worse by the fact that having bought AVG Tune Up yesterday to speed up my PC  Master Jacob has purchased a game which has been downloading for about 18 hours. My computer is now working so slow I am contemplating taking a hammer to either his PC or mine. Or both. By the way, I started this post at 8 am this morning.

Luckily, writing is very therapeutic for me. I can let out a whole stream of obscenities  thought and I instantaneously feel better. So anyway, accordingly, this morning I thought I'd write some silly stuff and get myself back on track and just as I started writing the phone rings from Master Ben's school to wind me up some more. Gez. Gimme a break! I'd literally only just got over the text message from Master Jacob's school to tell me he was late to school  - which I already knew as I dropped him there. Unbelievably, he did not fly, parachute or teleport himself to school - I dropped him there because we already have a prior arrangement for him being late because of his tennis and we were a couple of minutes later than usual. Really, is it necessary to text me about lateness two days before the end of term when everyone knows that for the last three weeks of term all they do is watch DVDs? Anyway, telling me he is a few minutes late is not going to make any difference to whether or not he will be late again because if I want to go to the loo before I go out I darn well will go to the loo. Personally, I find it difficult to drive my car with my legs crossed and soggy knickers. Maybe teachers don't. Hmm. There's a question to ponder. Anyway, I thought about texting back to say I have a bowel disorder but to be honest I thought it would be lost on them. I just texted back and said "We were watching a DVD."

So now, where was I going with this? Oh yes, depressed writers. That's not me. I'm just an annoyed writer. (Verging on mania.) All will be good when I hear some nice happy news like the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to triplets.

However, if I hear/read any more new about how many millions J K Rowling is going to make out of  her book published under her leaked pseudonym I am going to listen to a Leonard Cohen album and gorge myself to death.

Now I know what it's like to live in California!

We have a heatwave in the UK. I am so hot I actually have no bra on. Fortunately, I am not planning to go outside.  (I don't want to be mistaken for an elderly aqua aerobics participant.)

I don't think we have a had a proper heatwave since 1976. That was the year we had a heatwave all summer and I sat on an ants nest. I remember it well.

The Question of Second Hand Books and the Continuation of My Writing Journey

After six years writing and blogging I am now, at last, into the final hurdle of completing a novel. My editorial report is back and it is much better than I expected. There are a few suggestions though. Fundamentally, these are adding extra material to flesh out some of the relationships and in one case to develop one of the more humorous story lines just for the pure entertainment factor. I have decided to follow this advice and to do this by inserting two, possibly three, new chapters which should slip easily into place.Writing more silly stuff for me is comparatively easy so I can now move full steam ahead knowing the end is truly in sight.

At last - A dream I understand!

I have mentioned my dreams several times on my blog and how I can't understand them. There was the dream where I was a secret agent and parachuted into France with my horse. There was another where  I auditioned for the role of Santa Claus in a Ricky Gervais movie and there was one when I visited a prop shop where actors bought their props and where I discovered that in the garden they were selling mock decaying bodies for episodes of CSI.

The Dangers of Female Changing Rooms and Aqua-Aerobics

Right, first thing's first. I do not participate in aqua-aerobics. Aqua-aerobics is a sure sign of impending death through one of the following:

a) age
b) obesity
c) an irate swimmer grabbing you by the head and drowning you in the deep end.

The irate swimmer may or may not be called Mrs Jane Turley.