Coming Up Next: Pork Chops and Promiscuity : A Tale of Lesbian Lust

Tomorrow, I'm posting the opening story from my short story collection A Modern Life. This is for you readers who haven't yet gone over to check out my masterpiece of English literature on Amazon. (Ho hum) At the moment, I have three-five star and one-three star review. And none of them are written by relatives! In fact I don't think any of my relatives have even bought it. I'm not sure what that means - maybe they think they are in it? Mr T is paranoid that he is  - to which I have to keep telling him:

"It's a work of fiction. F. I. C. T. I. O.N. You are not in it."

To be honest, I think the first story called Pork Chops and Promiscuity about a Jewish lesbian with a fetish for pork chops and young women (or indeed any woman) is a fairly good give-away to Mr T that he is not starring in it.

Not unless there's something about him that I don't know. Hmm...that's a worrying thought.

Bizarrely, I got nearly 1300 hits from Israel on my blog last week. I'm not sure what that means. However, I think in the interests of personal safety I am going to reiterate the following statement:

"It's a work of fiction. F. I. C. T. I. O. N."

In the meantime, I have boarded up the windows and booby-trapped the trash can.

Now seriously, folks. Mrs T may be politically incorrect at times and fairly blunt about saying what she feels (especially about writers) but it is all in the name of fun. I'm a warm, loving person and I would never say anything mean about anyone. All the stuff I've ever written about depressed writers, French cooking and German fashion is all said in the spirit of goodwill and international "fun" relations. I don't mean a word of it!

Now in addition to the little treat tomorrow, in a few days, I shall be revealing the front cover to The Changing Room which, even if say so myself, is an absolute corker. In the meantime, anyone who buys A Modern Life and takes a few mins to review it with some appreciative non-impartial words (You don't have to go overboard on the praise just something simple like "This is a work of genius. It should win the ManBooker" will do) will go into a draw for a free signed paperback and an e-book of The Changing Room which in about twenty years will either be worth an absolute fortune or you'll be able to light your fire with it. So what have you got  to lose? And by the way those of you who already have bought and reviewed (and I know there's a couple of you) are automatically included in this draw. Oh - I might also include some fab gifts with the paperback and ebook - or whatever they have on offer at the 99p shop.

Right, that's enough of this marketing drivel for today. Several of my friends keep telling me to do more about it. You know: network more, tweet more, blog more, grab grannies in the street and solicit reviews with promises of free jars of pickled beetroot, flash my knickers at passing builders. All that "sell, sell, sell" kind of stuff. I'm working up to it. Slowly. Very slowly. However, rest assured, dear readers, you can be safe in the knowledge I will not be writing a self-help guide for writers. I might write a self-help advice guide for housewives though. I shall call it the The Very Best of The Witty Ways of a Wayward Wife. Okay, so I'd better start looking through my seven years of posts for some advice...

Okay, done that. I think I'll scrub that idea and write a self-help guide for politicians.

Oh yeah. I like that idea. A lot.

Free jars of pickled beetroot for all purchasers of A Modern Life*

*Disclaimer - Mrs Jane Turley, Housewife Extraordinare, has been known to lie.