C is for the Christmas Male Office Dancer

So today I am going to talk about a type of man women rarely see: the male office dancer.  In fact, I am going to be quite specific I am going to talk about the Christmas Male Office Dancer which is an even rarer beast. Now Christmas Male Office Dancers are very peculiar creatures and are slightly different to the Male Wedding Dancer and the Male Birthday Dancer in that the Christmas Male Office Dancer is provided with free beer by his employer as opposed to free beer by his mates or relatives. The thought of the Christman Male Office Dancer’s boss footing the drinks bill always tempts the Male Office Dancer into excessive over-indulgence resulting in a devil-may-care attitude. This, in turn, leads to the Christmas Male Office Dancer watering the office plants with vodka martinis, photocopying his arse and sending it to the MD from his boss’s email address, and vomiting in his boss’s wastepaper basket. But, worse than all of these horrors, his over-indulgence leads to what The Christmas Male Office Dancer is famed for – non-stop boogying.

There are a number of common features to the three phases in the Christmas Male Office Dancer’s routine. These are:

Phase One - The Slightly Inebriated Stage

Arms to side, fingers pointing like a cowboy in a wild-west shoot-out, mild hip thrusting. Usually attempting to move rhythmically but actually inflicting heavy bruising on his partner's feet or, if approaching the second stage, inflicting partial blindness. Miming (badly) to I was made for Dancin' by Leif Garrett, Dancing Queen by Abba or, if you're really unlucky, Contact by Edwin Starr. If the opening bars of Contact result in the Male Office Dancer clapping and grinning like the Cheshire Cat it is advisable to:

a) take cover behind the filing cabinets

b) secure the windows and doors,

c) ring for an ambulance.


Phase Two - The Wholly Inebriated Stage

Legs jerking all over the place, arms waving up and down aka John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, intense hip grinding and thrusting. Frequent screams, whoops and winking whilst rubbing crotch and whispering incoherent beer babble in the nearest woman’s ear. This babble is usually an attempt to get a telephone number or, if the Male Office Dancer is married, a plea for sex in the rear seat of his car – although it sounds more like a precursor to a heavy bout of vomiting. The opening notes of Thriller, Last Christmas or Hi Ho Silver Lining will result in the Male Office Dancer giving rapturous applause or leaping up and down like a pneumatic drill or (worst case scenario) should he have taken a toilet break, running back from the bathroom screaming "This is my favourite song ever!" and grabbing the nearest person. Unfortunately, this is usually either the woman from HR, the lesbian girlfriend of the woman from HR or his boss. He will then pull his victim to the centre of the dance floor and perform wild sexual gyrations whilst telling them that he loves them and wants to have their babies. This usually signifies:

 a) the end of his marriage

 b) the end of his career

 c) a spell in rehab

 d) All three.

Phase Three - The Totally Legless Stage

There is very little dancing in this stage which is characterized by vague head movements, mouth opening and closing like a fish, and saliva dribbling from the corner of the mouth. At some point, the Male Office Dancer will collapse onto the floor with other Male Office Dancers of a similar disposition. The sign of impending group Male Office Dancers’ unconsciousness is when they all form a long chain sitting behind each other, legs apart, and rock from side-to-side to the tune of Oops Upside Your Head by The Gap Band. As they start to sway and wave their arms to the beat of the song the hypnotic effect of the motion takes effect and, one by one, they keel over and slip into a deep coma. If this happens it is advisable to:

 a) remove all their car keys

 b) turn off the music

 c) tread carefully towards the exit.

So there you have it: the Christmas Male Office Dancer. A rare but dangerous breed of man. Almost as deluded as Air Guitar Man. (See my letter A!)

Unfortunately, it's not only men who affected by Oops Upside Your Head. Check out this video!